Oh, Steve Madden

Really, you shouldn't have. Like, you REALLY REALLY should not have:

($149, Steve Madden)

($99.95, Steve Madden)

The real ones were bad enough -- and JUST about to finally die! These are a comedic collage of faux-Balenciaga errors.

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Freakin' Fugly Footwear

Three painful picks for this Monday eve:

($98, Jeffrey Campbell, Urban Outfitters)

Appropriately enough, the color of this shoe is "Whiskey." Jeffrey Campbell truly must've imbibed when he designed ONE shoe with a cinch toe, cut outs, laces AND WTF ever that bridge to madness is above the toe.

($59, Steve Madden)

Clowny McModsquad.

($499, Chanel, eBay)

But wait! They're Chanel. BUT WAIT! They're FUCKING WRETCHED! Are these like punk-dominatrix snow boots or something? You can be into S&M OR you can wear winter gear, but you don't get to be both at once.


The redeemer:

($286, Salvador Sapena, Asos.com)

Thank you, Salvador Sapena. You've answered correctly. You may be seated.

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FashionBinge Forced Retirement: The Tory Burch Reva Ballet Flat

Yes, the Tory Burch "Reva" ballet flat is cute, but so is Abigail Breslin, but you don't see me hanging out with her. That's why I have to take issue with iVillage for putting them on their "Still In For Spring" list. Conversely, they're on my own personal "First to Go" list. Enough is enough! They're overly specific to last spring, and they're making me yawn.

Let's step it up with some new flats, shall "we"?

($375, Tashkent By Cheyenne, Piperlime.com)

The gold buckle and square toe are simply sublime, and the neutral tan make this an excellent (yet expensive) winter-to-spring transitional shoe.

($155, Corso Como, Piperlime.com)

Um, okay. I was just about write that these sassy yet simple shoes are the Dorothy Zbornak of awesome flats, and THEN I saw that these are called "Dotty," thus confirming my long-held suspicions that I am a FUCKING GIRL GENIUS.

($235, Repetto, Creatures of Comfort)

Not so me, but I could see MKHo pulling these off with much "aplomb." And speaking of black ballet flats -- throughout much of last fall, I wore a pair of subtle black patent quilted ballet flats that I got at like Rainbow or something (no joke) for under a twenty. I wore them with everything, and quite well, if I must say. Unfortunately they started to smell like a pile of fragrant garbage, so I had to trash them, but they're such an easy go-to that I may have to replace them:

($22, Torrid)

Simple, sweet, and so cheap! Thanks, Torrid!

($11.49, Target)

No, thank YOU, Targz!

($49, Steve Madden)

See? Behold: a simple, stylish flat, unadorned by now-ubiquitous tack, which is more than I can say for...

(Via iVillage, unfortunately)

A crime -- and fate -- worse than Crocs, my friends.

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