Already, I Am Sick of Gladiator Sandals...

And it's barely even Spring!!! Seriously, unless you're actively involved in battling bears or guys who look like Russell Crowe, you do NOT need to encase you foot in a leather cage. Please. DON'T!

Some particularly egregious offenders:

($98, Jeffrey Campbell, Urban Outfitters)

If you're concerned that your cankle areas (for lack of a better term) are going to be chilly, MAYBE IT'S TOO COLD OUT FOR SANDALS! But you really truly do not get to do both.

($28, Urban Outfitters)

Dudes, fringe is not for shoes. Fringe is for jackets... no wait a second. Fringe is NOT FOR ANYONE outside of Branson (and I'm sure several of Branson's fine citizens don't even wear it). Don't ever wear fringe EVER. (One exception: you are Dolly Parton and/or 1967 Dennis Hopper.)

($57, Naughty Monkey, Karmaloop.com)
Seriously? What the shit??

($79, Nine West)

We get it. The American economy is in the shitter, so we're supposed to buy bright things to make us forget. I love bright things, but that's no reason to let the sandal equivalent of Bill Cosby's Coogi sweater creep up your foot.

($125, Urban Outfitters)

As if someone sent a perfectly okay jazz shoe through a paper shredder.

You get the point. So now, some lovely warm-weather footwear alternatives to the scourge of gladiators:

($48, Urban Oufitters)

Not my all-time favorites, but definitely not bad at all. At least there's no covered heel or ankle nonsense.

($105, Dolce Vita, Piperlime.com)

Perfectly reasonable, sweetly (note: not barfily) trendy metallic peep-toe that says "I'm a grown-up, and I'm perfectly mature about keeping MOST of my foot consistently -- not schizophrenically covered."

($105, Sam Edelman, Bloomingdale's)

Love both of these. (Very similar, cheaper ones here, BTW.) Wedge-y but not towering, which is more than I can say for these:

($29.50, Alloy.com)

Holy hell. Anyway, back to better spring shoes:

($175, Cole Haan, Bloomingdale's)

Rarely do I see white shoes I'd actually wear, but these are great (both versions!) all-purpose sping/ summer heeled sandals that completely do not suck or offend.

($365, Chie Mahara, Sodafine.com)

Sweet, sweet design. Sweet, sweet desire. It's like the Golden Gate Bridge found a happy home on your foot (minus the congestion and the jumpers.)

($375, Ralph Lauren, Bloomingdale's)

The price is a bit ridick for a bit of rope, and sure, they're a bit campy, but they're still fun in a WASPy sort of way. (And Ha'shem KNOWS I'm WASPY!) Though I'm not sure why you wouldn't just opt for Kinos -- Key West classics -- instead:

($11, KinoSandalFactory.com)

($11, KinoSandalFactory.com)


($41, Steve Madden)

It's not much, but it's right to the point and WORLDS better than the much-aligned flip-flop. HELP US HELP YOU!

Also, Steve Madden promo code:
$10 off: SML963BF1E (Not sure if this is a one-hitter or what.)

Finally, if sandals aren't your thing (and I get that), I like these ridiculous (and ridiculously priced!) Nikes:

($79, Nike, Alloy)

Do I offend???

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Spring Shoes: Trend Mash-Up

In which I've taken a few of my favorite Spring 2008 shoes that combine one or more of the upcoming trends and details and consolidated them into one one hearty post, with more to come. Stilettos in heights that defy good sense, textured metallic accents, peep toes and lush patents. Wee!

($411, Christian Louboutin, Net-a-porter.com)

Mmm. Creamy grey patents! With a wider heel! The mirrored heels and unusal batwing peaks make these even more murder-inspiring.

($730, Christian Louboutin, Net-a-porter.com)

I'm not sure what is "mini" about the Christian Louboutin Mini Bout Zeppa pumps, but they're perfectly, well, perfect.

($670, Versace, eLuxury.com)

Bold and razor-sharp in silvery gunmetal, more refined in bronze.

($449, Petra Rubino, Forzieri.com)

I'm personally not the ankle-tie type, but I applaud the woman who can pull off these interesting Oxfords. The color combo here rules.

(Apprx $530 USD, Gwendolyn Carrie)

Black + gold = chocolate and peanut butter.

($130, Vince Camuto, Piperlime.com)

It is time for me to officially declare: I think I love everything Vince Camuto does.

($330, Chie Mahara, Saks)

Total granny chic, updated in blood red = loves.

(Apprx $58 USD, Topshop.com)

Allllllegedly we're gonna be seeing a lot of ikat patterns now-ish. And I welcome these red ikat pumps by Topshop with open arms and an open wallet. Now HURRY UP AND OPEN IN NEW YORK!

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What Would You Do... For These Chie Mahara Heels?

($350, Chie Mahara, ShoeMine.com)

Dudes, remember those insipid "What would you do for a Klondike bar" commercials, where some cheesy ad execs thought everyday people would be so desperate for a poorly designed wedge (how do you eat a SQUARE of ice cream with NO spoon, no stick, no handle, nothing!) of tasteless vanilla ice cream covered in barely edible cheap chocolate that they'd bark like a dog (a big dog!), hop up and down on one foot, or do something REALLY crazy like put the dirty dishes in the sink!

Well, I wouldn't do any of that bullshit for a crappy, inexplicably Inuit-inspired cheap-ass bodega frozen dessert, but for these Chie Mahara "Ox" heels (they're cheaper on the Chie Mahara site, but some of the sizes are sold out), I'd... punch an old lady, smack a baby (but only if it was crying), leave a banana peel in someone's path, not warn someone that they were about to sit on a bench full of wet paint, rob a T-Mobile, or possibly even kill a grifter.

What would YOU do for Chie Mahara?

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