Oh, Steve Madden

Really, you shouldn't have. Like, you REALLY REALLY should not have:

($149, Steve Madden)

($99.95, Steve Madden)

The real ones were bad enough -- and JUST about to finally die! These are a comedic collage of faux-Balenciaga errors.

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Freakin' Fugly Footwear

Three painful picks for this Monday eve:

($98, Jeffrey Campbell, Urban Outfitters)

Appropriately enough, the color of this shoe is "Whiskey." Jeffrey Campbell truly must've imbibed when he designed ONE shoe with a cinch toe, cut outs, laces AND WTF ever that bridge to madness is above the toe.

($59, Steve Madden)

Clowny McModsquad.

($499, Chanel, eBay)

But wait! They're Chanel. BUT WAIT! They're FUCKING WRETCHED! Are these like punk-dominatrix snow boots or something? You can be into S&M OR you can wear winter gear, but you don't get to be both at once.


The redeemer:

($286, Salvador Sapena, Asos.com)

Thank you, Salvador Sapena. You've answered correctly. You may be seated.

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More Crimes Against Nature: Saggy Crotch Leggings

($90, MadeMe, Karmaloop.com)

TheFashionPolice first spotted these (credit goes to them for the photo AND the horrifying discovery).

Everything about the description is depressing. I've bolded for added emphasis:

"Ultra high waist fold over legging with low crotch and multi geometric pattern throughout."

It's like a crescendoing parade of horrors.

The only reason I could imagine for these to exist is perhaps for hipsters who are into baby role playing? So you can shit your diaper AND look "Williamsburg" at the same time? That's really the only thing I could think of. And the only thing that'd make this heinous offense worse would be bust-a-sag leggings would be bust-a-sag leggings with Crocs.

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Kelly Taylor Dresses Entire Family Like Mario Batalli, Idiots

The scourge of Crocs continues!!

Can't Child Protective Services take your kids away from you for lesser infractions?

Oh yeah, and speaking of Jennie Garth, there's a new 90210 coming, by the way. No word on whether the female cast members will be contractually obligated to wear Mom jeans.

(Thanks to Chicago JP for sending me this one.)

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Salestravaganza: Promo Codes, Sales Y Mas

Sorry for the uninspired post -- I'm as busy on the workfront as Britney Spears is wack.

But, I'm passing on the savings to you with the following sales and promo codes:

Promo codes:
+ ASOS.com: 20% off
Use Code: EASTERSHOP.
Expires: March 24th

Buy something awesome, like this bikini:

($162.53, J4Gb, Asos.com)

+ Cutesygirl.com: 15% off
Use Code: SAVE15
Expires March 22

Buy something light and comfy for summer, like this mini dress:

($23.99, Mercy Me, Cutesygirl.com)

But definitely not this:

($19, Intimation, Cutesygirl.com)

+ Threadless.com: Tees on sale, from $9
No promo code, just a maje sale. Get something cute, like this very spring-y "Citrust-Me" Tee:

($15, Thomas DeSantis, Threadless.com)

Or, this fun giraffe (giraffes!!) Tee:

($9, Dan Rule, Threadless.com)

Both Tees available in dudes and Bettys versions.

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Leggings By Lohan!

Look who's legging-ing! Per JustJared, Lindsay Lohan will be bringing her no-pants fashion sense to the willing-to-spend masses when she launches her own line of leggings. (Thanks to Chicago's Rustrick-On-That-Cool-Tip for the knowledge-based alert.)

So, is this the ultimate nail in the coffin for leggings, or is this a sign that they're not going anywhere? Or a sign of the impending apocalypse? And will they be as blindingly horbs as these corrupt monstrosities? And are you almost starting to consider Mom Jeans at this point?

And coming soon: Lindsay-branded coke spoons!?

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Mom Jeans! Cheap!

($9.99, Gap)

Just in time for spring: the original Bad Idea Jeans.

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Kat Von D = USA? No Way!

(Credits: BauerGriffinOnline.com via A Socialite's Life)

Dear God,
Please continue to bless the USA, but while you're at it, please pardon the overly patriotic sins of Kat Von D. Clearly she knows not what she does.

~tamron lohan

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Leggings Have Basically Officially Jumped the Shark

Can you count the number of things wrong with this promotional photo?

No, because you need a computer to count to infinity gazillion.

I really sort of almost wish not that Whitney Houston was still a crackhead (because I luuuuurves me some Whitney, and I'm really glad she's almost back to fully being Every Woman), but maybe just that the popularity of her reality show and this post could've been a bit more synchronicitous so it'd be funnier when I react to *Intuition's denim and tie-dye leggings with a resounding

OHHH HELLLLLLLLLLS TO THE NO!

And while we're here, we may as well get a closer look at the travesty:

($35, ShopIntuition.com)

Soooo Peg Bundy, and not in the funny ironic way. And I love the description: These deluxe faux-denim leggings are so street chic." Okay, first of all, "deluxe" and "faux-denim" = oxy moron, for there is NOTHING deluxe about faux-denim leggings or faux-denim ANYTHING for that matter. And these are "street chic" if -- and only if -- you're working the street.

($35, ShopIntuition.com)

Hopefully Jerry Garcia's grave is spacious enough to accommodate him as the poor guy rolls over a few times in rapid succession.


* Special thanks to Chicago JP for alerting me to this most heinous fashion morts.

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All I Can See Is Red, Red, Red

So, the other day I go to the dermatologist for a rather mundane, routine matter - puffy eyelids of the not - so - major - anyone - will -really -notice- but- apparent- enough- to -me - to - go -to -the -doctor variety.

First of all, the doctor asks if I'd used any new make-up or nail polish (uhh, yes and definitely yes). Turns out that nail polish is the #1 cause of eyelid puffos in women! (Don't you love that there's a hierarchy of causes?)

Oh, so I'm at a large practice with lots of other docs -- I've really liked the other doctors I've seen there -- but this was the first time I'd seen this particular doctor. And I didn't really like her because:

a.) She didn't really seem to listen to me. I'd been to that same practice for the same issue before, yet she didn't take the time to check my record -- on the laptop sitting open with my chart on it right in front of her -- and see what the deal was. (That seems like the easy way out to me! Just look it up! Chances are it's the same thing! But maybe my inclination to take the path of least resistance is just one compelling reason why I'm not a doctor).

b.) She mentions a topical treatment I'd tried before and then like quickly tried to flip the script, changing the topic, and fucking UPSELLS me on some laser treatment to "reduce the redness in my face" to treat my super mild rosacea. Apparently I'd only need about three or four treatments... at about $450 or so A POP (!!!). Um, lady, I'm used to coming in here and paying a $30 copay. You really think I wanna shell out like $1600 (as if I had $1600 to spend on "mild redness") on fucking lasers? What irked me the most was that after I told her that the redness really didn't bother me that much, she kept on with "well, you know... something to think about."

So, I walk in to get eyelid medicine or some whatever and potentially leave in debt? WTF?

Don't get me wrong -- I'm not fully against laser treatment or anything. Especially if I had a beard or something I couldn't get rid of. (Eep!) But the redness in my face is just MINOR part of me, and not a very big or important part of me either. It's probably like maybe the 14th thing people notice about me? If that? And it's redness I've earned through a combination of factors both within my control -- drinking too much coffee and probably not enough water; Jack Daniels; tacos and other vices -- and a few beyond the stretch of my dominion -- being really really incredibly white. That aside, I'm pretty proud of the fact that my skin is generally clear, through a combination of sheer luck, never going to bed with make-up on (sick!) and maintaining my situation via moisturization. So why would I risk this shit (granted, if I did get some kind of laser treatment done, it would not be at a spa, but still) for an outcome that's not guaranteed, for a "problem" that only really seems to be a problem to my doctor -- who most likely stands to make a fat commission -- but not to me?

I'm not even 30, so I'm in slight disbelief that I've reached an age where people want to zap my face with lasers and pay them for the privilege.

Soon I'll be bring you some happy, healthy skin and beauty products I've recently discovered. Until then, I say fuck a bitch! Point your frikkin' laserbeams at someone else!

Sing it, Fiona...

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Marc Jacobs "Backward" Heel And Other Terrible Ideas

Marc Jacobs has lost what's left of his skinny little mind. At least he MUST have if these ass-backwards heels from his Spring 2008 RtW collection. The show itself was a completely vague abstraction with very few literal pieces, so at least these baffling shoes were in keeping with that esoteric theme, but will they play in Peoria?? Probably not when they'd hardly even play on Prince Street. It's like being caught mid-fall or something. They're like the shoe version of that cliched "inverted human/ Quasimoto" model pose where the girl contorts herself so that her upper body is completely concave. Because THAT'S HIGH FASHION! Marc-y Marc, make like we wish Amy Winehouse would, and put down the pipe.

Let's take a look at some other high-deas!

($250, Laurie Jacobs' Spiky Bras)

I don't know if you noticed, but there are little frogs or bugs or both on top of these blowfish, which are also a bra.

(Kropserkel)

At least were created by special effects creators. But it's just a matter of time before sportswear explodes and we start seeing futuristic chastity belts made of rubber on the catwalks. (It is kinda Y-3.)

($289, James Piatt)

This handbag is called the "Pursuader," though it doesn't need to be called that to persuade me me that you voted Republican!

(Qian Jiang)

What you're looking at is a necklace and a condom AND an ashtray. It's not one, nor two but ALL THREE of those things together! So you can hold your butt close to your chest.

Okay, we GET IT. You're NOT a virgin.


Finally, let's see some of those Bellybutton-meet-spine-spine-meet-bellybutton poses. They're usually accompanied by shocked or angry expressions -- I'd be angry too if I were trying to push my lower intestine out through my ass crack -- but I couldn't find any of those, so these will have to suffice instead.

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Jeweled Embellishments OR Animal Prints BUT Both? NAY, I Say!

($28.99, Forever 21)

I really like TheBudgetBabe.com, but EEeeeee, seriously no me gusta this Twelve By Twelve animal print minidress WITH jeweled embellishments AND Velour belt. One or the other, but PLEASE not both! While I love BudgetBabe's suggestion of classening the joint up a bit with a skinny black leather belt, I can't deal with the very "meat-on-meat" (my boyfriend's term for too much) trend orgy going on here. Less is always more with animal prints, peeps! I would, however, certainly go for this dress without the jeweled embellishments and a nice leather belt. Very Little Shop of Horrors!

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Tweety Shoes: For the Birds

... And for infantile adults who don't know how to dress, too!

Via ThreadTrend, whose writer, Manuel Paul, shares my burning haaaaatred for any apparel with Betty Boop on it. Manny, I'll see your Betty Boop and Tweety, of course, and raise you any other item of non-child-sized clothing with a fucking Looney Tune, Pooh bear, Sesame Street or franchised cartoon character. It's horrifying, humiliating and repellent. And these shoes are no exception. This is some serious Lil Mama shit right here, and I mean that in the worst way possible.

I guess the only way you could get away with wearing these would be if you wore them shiny leggings, a vinyl fanny pack, and a doggie bag. And then punched yourself in the brain.

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